


Jenna Isn't in Wonderland

by darlingdeathbird



Series: AU Wonderland and Various Associates [1]
Category: Adventures In Wonderland (TV 1992)
Genre: Absurd, Alternate Universe - Fusion, M/M, Punctuation that comes alive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:01:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25315711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darlingdeathbird/pseuds/darlingdeathbird
Summary: Rabbit's girlfriend, although he won't call her that, hasn't been to Wonderland in weeks, and he's starting to worry that she's ghosted him, so he calls upon Hatter and Hare to go through the mirror and investigate the matter. The only problem? The other side waiting for them is a mad-house of its own, whose master does not take kindly to uninvited guests.
Relationships: Hare / OC, Mad Hatter/March Hare (Alice in Wonderland)
Series: AU Wonderland and Various Associates [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1945081
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	Jenna Isn't in Wonderland

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know how to describe this work. It's partly Adventures in Wonderland fic, but it's partly esoteric spin-off that was meant to cheer up my friend. There are other people who held our fascination at the time, like Whose Line Is it Anyway comedian Greg Proops. The "master of the mad-house" is Charles Dodgson (Lewis Carroll), who in real life was an eccentric and witty mathematician, so we took that and amplified it by ten. I was obsessed with Max Schreck, of Nosferatu fame, so he's involved. There is action and drama and punctuation marks that are Dodgson's pets. Numerous things don't make sense, but everybody acts like they do or can't be bothered to notice they're absurd. I'm not sure if it would be enjoyable to anybody else, but I just had a blast writing it. Whatever. I'm sharing it. Read at your behest. :)

The mail had just arrived in Wonderland, and it wasn't long before the Tweedles got trampled down by a blur of fuzz on rollerblades. “Get out of my way!” It screeched at them, but despite the succession of swishing white hands, they couldn't do it fast enough. While they sat flat on their asses rubbing their heads, they realized it was Rabbit who was rummaging around the mailbox. “Ugh... Was that really necessary?” Dee wondered, but that bunny was completely oblivious to their woes. He seemed to be checking and double-checking tags, huffing all the while, and then he just kerplopped in the middle of the pile and started wailing to himself. Whatever package he had received, it had caused him great woes.

After this continued for a long and awkward moment, Rabbit got to his feet and dusted off his fanny. Dee and Dum thought he might approach them, but he started rolling off in the same direction he had come. “HEY!” Dum shouted. It was enough of a surprise to send Rabbit straight to the ground. Now, the Tweedles had more manners than him, so despite their irritation they went and helped him up. “What's the matter with you?”

“I-I'm sorreh~, I just.. I. Igh... Listen, it's rather personal.”

“The Queen isn't making you order her underwear anymore, is she?” Dee wondered.

“No. It's nothing to do with that...” When they scrutinized him closely enough, they could see he was beginning to blush.

“Are you sure?”

“NO—igh... listen, here! The post man told me a package was arriving from overseas, and I-- Well, I thought it might have been from Jennaaah~...” This came to the Tweedles as a much less interesting explanation than they had been hoping for, but Dee decided to keep fishing.

“What, did she get you designer carrots or something?”

“Well, I-I, I... I don't _know_ what she would have gotten me, I just wanted to hear from her. If you haven't noticed, she hasn't been in Wonderland for weeks.” Rabbit glanced down at the package under his arm and sighed. “I guess I got my hopes up.”

Dum couldn't help but wince at Dee. Gone for weeks without writing? Sounded like a break-up. “Is she alright?”

“I don't _know,_ is the thing~~,” Rabbit answered. “And worst of all, I don't even know how to check. I've been to visit her only a handful of times, and I get scared about coming through the mirror...”

“Why don't you ask Hare about it? Wasn't he the one who taught you how to go in the first place?”

“Yes, but he's annoying-” Rabbit answered candidly. When everyone went quiet, he sort of regretted it. “But I guess it's worth it if I might see her again... Oghgh, I hope she's not sick. I would have been there to take care of her~~!” Dee gave him a big slap on the shoulder and swayed him back and forth a little, as if he might shake out his demons.

“Oh, come on, Rabbit. Don't beat yourself up about this. As long as you don't knock us over again, we'll come with you to Hare's and make sure he doesn't put you through too much crap.”

* * *

So off they went to Hare's. They did not even need to knock on the door, as he was out in the front yard doing some upkeep on his flower beds. Sweat a'glistenen, the man was gorgeous. I mean, neither the Tweedles nor Rabbit thought of it that way, but I sure would have, if I had been there.

Anyhoo, they were actually quite put off by it. “Oh, Rabbit, Dee! Dum?” Immediately, Hare was confused why the three of them had turned up at such an unusual hour. He threw some weeds into a bucket and stood up to dust the dirt from his knees as Rabbit gathered his words.

“Uhh, uhh, we haven't interrupted you, have we?”

Hare flapped his wrist. “Oh, noooo~, no. This is what I do when everyone ignores me-- I mean.” He cleared his throat. “What can I do for ya, funny-bunny?”

Rabbit frowned. “I- well, you see, I-- I've forgotten how to get to... to whatever that place is called.”

“The palace?”

“NO, I know how to get back to the bloody palace. Jesus Christ, Hare,” he snapped. Hare held his garden shovel to his chest and twitched his nose. “The place on the other side of the mirror. You know, where Jennifer and Jenna are.”

“OH, RIGHT.”

“Yes, right,” Rabbit echoed, glancing to the fourth wall. “I need a refresher course about getting back there~.” Hare met his gaze with Dee, who realized an explanation was in order.

“To see Jenna.”

“Yes, I need to see her immediately. Can we get on with it?” Rabbit gestured towards the house, and the Tweedles were happy to reinforce this endeavor. Hare sort of just went along with it, opening the front door for his guests with a bewildered sense of compliance.

* * *

The four of them were hovering around the opened pantry door, where a long vanity mirror sat in the shadows. “You keep your mirror in a closet?” Dum asked with his face squished up.

“Well, where do you keep _yours_?” Hare asked him right back. Dum already had his response prepared, but Dee stifled him with a hand on his shoulder. Hare cleared his throat: “First of all, don't go in dick-first.” Although there was nothing there, Rabbit turned away from Hare with his legs slightly crossed. “Because if your dick goes by itself, it'll get lost out there. It's never happened to me before, but I've got a hunch about it.”

“Okay,” Rabbit answered, but he did it looking more angry than well advised.

“Second of all, don't go booty first,” he said, pointing at his rump and swishing his finger, lips pursed. “Because they're easily half as likely as dicks to never come back. Those are still some dangerous odds.”

“Hare~, I _know_ about the risks involved. Now please tell me how to get through in one, simple procedure.” Hare shrugged his shoulders and went to stand about six feet away from the mirror, where he notioned for Rabbit and the Tweedles to step aside.

“Alright, so then you have to stand over here, and raise your hand like you're a traffic cop, _and_ do it as sassily as you can. The mirror can sense these things. If it doesn't think you can handle it, it won't send you anywhere.”

“Right,” Rabbit answered. By now, the Tweedles were simultaneously fascinated and unable to stop laughing at Hare.

“Oh, you think this is funny, huh? Well, Alice does this every single day and I never see you laughing at it.”

“She's not you,” Dum explained. Hare deeply inhaled.

“Any _way_ ,” he continued. “You should feel your hand go right through, like jello. It's always felt lukewarm to me, but I heard some freaky shit from Alice about the weather in other dimensions... Well, you try it.” Rabbit was still in the process of squinting at the Tweedles for some silent offer of condolence, but he sighed and stood next to Hare, determined to get this over with so he could find his beloved Jenna. He wasn't even letting on how worried he truly was... what if she _was_ breaking up with him?! Had she finally surrendered to that crazy mathematician's seductions? _Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear,_ he thought...

Rabbit raised his hand in exactly the same way as Hare, even put his other hand on his hip and strode towards his dim reflection with his nose up to the ceiling, but he just crashed inside the closet and took the mirror down with him. All they could see where two arms, two legs, and two ears around that thing, and groaning was issuing from the other side.

The Tweedles took the mirror off the poor bunny, but Hare just shook his head: “You did it wrong.”

Rabbit tried once more with the three of them in the room, and then again and again once he had ordered them out. Hare and the Tweedles had to sit on his couch and pretend they weren't listening too intently as Rabbit smooshed, stomped, and sweared. “I don't think he's going to have any luck. Maybe we should get more people in on this. You know, for suggestions,” Hare wondered. The Tweedles were skeptical but empty handed, so they trudged back to the kitchen to fetch that poor bunny.

* * *

"You're just not going through with enough force," Hatter explained as he set up the catapult. The Tweedles were now covering their faces, slumped over the chairs at Hare's kitchen table, while Hare came sauntering by with a teapot and a plate, which he waved below their noses. “Tea? Cookies?” He offered. Rabbit swiped away the pot.

“Hatter, like I've been saying the last ten minutes, that thing is going to break the both of us. I'll have no part in it!”

“Oh, this is delicious,” Hatter said, sipping his tea with one hand and resting his arm on the catapult with the other. 

“Can we stop making a party of this? I'm not getting anywhere near it, I say! It won't work!” Hatter blew a raspberry.

“Rabbit, when have my inventions not worked? Let's just be honest about this instead of a killjoy.”

“If _YOU_ think it's going to work, then _YOU_ try it!” Rabbit answered, standing up and jabbing his finger into Hatter's chest. Hatter swatted his hand and hopped to the other side of the catapult.

“Sorry, but I don't want to come blasting into Jennifer's bedroom. She'd be very upset with me. Just like last time.”

“ _Jennifer's_ bedroom?!”'

“Yes... Where did you think it went? Hare's mirror is rigged directly to her bedroom,” Hatter explained, but Hare just covered his mouth, muffling his response with his hands:

“Whoops, I forgot about that.” Rabbit threw up his arms.

“Oh, for Carrot's sake! Jennifer's at least a thousand miles away from Jenna. I don't have the time for that, and besides, I haven't got any frequent flier miles.”

“Where's _your_ mirror, then?” Hare wondered.

“It's at the palace. I've actually, um-- well, it's funneh~, because I've got it in my closet, too.”

“Well I'm sorry, but we're not going to be able to get this catapult there. That's too much palace security to deal with, and this thing's only held together with rubber bands and a promise,” Hatter said. He held his hand up like Rabbit was about to protest, already quite sorry over the matter.

Rabbit squeezed the bridge of his nose before yanking out his pocket watch. “Listen, I don't have any more time for this~. Apparently, I-I,” he started, but the words were too painful to say. “Apparently I can never get back to Jenna,” and off he rolled like a poor teenage girl who couldn't find a prom date. They all looked to each other in confusion as the front door slammed.

* * *

Alice didn't have the patience to start her homework that day, so she was wandering down the path towards the palace, but as she grew closer to the courtyard, which she could see specks of through the foliage, she heard a strange combination of sounds. A little snipping here, and some whimpering there. She assumed a gingerly stroll until she was close enough to watch. There was Rabbit, heavy and sullen atop the Queen's red chaise lounge, holding a rose before him and plucking it petal by petal. “She's sick... she doesn't love me... She's sick! .... She doesn't love me! She's sick... She doesn't--gughghghHGUHH,” he moaned. “I should have taken that twerking class–”

“Mr. Rabbit?” All within a second, Rabbit was down on his knees with his forehead pressed to the floor. He scrambled to prop himself up against the chair and stared at Alice with labored breath. “Are you okay?” He looked all around him, judging that it was safe to pour his heart out, but was it right to lay the burden of consolation, now, upon a child like this?

“Ighh... Of course...” He tried, and he slowly pulled himself up to sit on the chair again, wringing his hands, but Alice just continued to frown at him. Oh, whatever – what was she, 13 now? He took a deep breath and let down the flood gates. “JENNA DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE~!”

As he burst into shameless tears, she came over from the gate and reached out with a hesitant hand to pat him on the arm. “Oh no... did she break up with you?” Rabbit took a handkerchief from his vest and blotted his eyes.

“No, it's just a feeling,” he answered, and then he blew his nose so harshly that Alice stepped back a few feet. “She hasn't been here in weeks and knowing that awful man's persistence, I can't help but think he has finally wooed her the way a bunny my age could never dr-”

“Wait a minute, who are you talking about?”

Rabbit's heaving quieted for just a moment as Alice sat by his side. She took his forearm in her hands and gave it a good rub to calm his nerves, and he could sense another tear growing in his eye, born of his gratitude for this darling girl's support at such a time. “Well, I never wanted to bring it up, but she lives with an utterly abhorrent man. A man who does bizarre and unnatural things with numbers. She tells me she can't pay the rent alone, but. But.”

“Gosh... I haven't even had my first kiss yet, and that still seems messed up.”

“DOESN'T IT?! OH, I CAHN'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS, and I'd hate for her to be offended. It's not like me to pressure a lady. She tells me not to worry, so I don't, but that's easy if your lady visits you, and brings you chocolate cakes, and candies for your nephew... Oh, what am I going to tell Norman?!”

Alice lost her words at this point.

“OHHH, he asked about her just this past Tuesday, and after so much time away, I finally cracked and almost forged her name on a pouch of gumdrops.” As he covered his face with his hands, Alice was secretly worried the Queen would come around the corner. “BUT I DIDN'T DO IT, ALICE. When the postman arrived, I thought she was sending me a package, and I knew all at once I could never do something like that.” He went on and on about the Tweedles, and the mirror in Hare's pantry, and Hatter's catapult, and absentmindedly she was still rubbing his arm, but an idea came to her.

“Why don't you have Hare visit Jenna instead? I mean if he can still go through, he can at least get her attention.”

“But Alice, I could hardly breech her trust like that! I'm the only one who's ever come out of that mirror, and I would hate for her to be startled by somebody else! And you know how Hare is-”

“I know, I know,” she said, deeply sincere. “But it's your only option. She'll understand that you did it out of worry for her. And, I mean, yeah it's weird, but I wouldn't think that she doesn't care. She might have had a lot of, you know, schoolwork.”

Rabbit didn't make eye-contact, because he wasn't all convinced, but he knew that Alice had a point: whoever could get through the mirror would _have_ to speak for him, or perhaps he and Jenna would never speak again.

* * *

After glancing each way down the hall, Rabbit closed his bedroom door. “Alright, Hare,” he began, feigning confidence. He figured if he at least was stern and clear about the matter, Hare would find less wiggle room to fuck up the mission. Unfortunately, Hare was barely able to stand in place. He looked like a kid at the mouth of a water park slide, with only a very thin streak of common sense keeping him from hopping right through Rabbit's mirror. “You must be careful around there. It's as treacherous as any safari, and nothing is what it seems. Now if the mirror should be in the same place as before, it's in the upstairs library. Just down the hall and to the left is the master bedroom. If you hear... _anything_ in there at all – dear Christ, I can't even bear to imagine it – _stay_ away. Look to find her downstairs, and if she's not in plain sight, return immediately! Do you understand?”

“YES, SIR!” Hare screeched, saluting.

“Repeat it back to me.”

“Jenna and Dodgson might be fucking in the bedroom-” Rabbit smacked Hare's impatiently twiddling thumbs several times over.

  
“STOP THAT,” he ordered. Hare's shoulders slumped.

“I-I get it, alright? Look for Jenna carefully and don't walk in on anything. I'm not as stupid as you think.”

“There's _more,_ ” Rabbit hoarsely stage-whispered, clutching Hare's hands. “Down the stairs, and to the right, there's a door – you can't miss it, there's a provocative and profane sign on the front – and behind it is a room of sinful indulgence. I can't say for certain that you could survive an ambush if something were behind that door, so stay out. Jenna would never be in there, anyway. Got it?”

Hare squinted. “What is it, like a BDSM room?” This time, Rabbit squinted, and he shook his head with thorough confusion. “Hey, don't judge before you've tried it,” Hare added, but Rabbit's eye contact was unceasing and _very_ uncomfortable. “Nevermind.”

Before Rabbit was ready, Hare got into his “traffic cop” stance. “Wait! If you see Jenna, um... tell her that I just missed her and wanted to make sure that she's okay~...” Hare nodded. “Alright, go on. Get it over with,” Rabbit said, unable to look at him anymore and with his fingers pressing his temples. He heard footsteps and then absolutely nothing, and when he turned around, Hare was gone. He saw his reflection in the mirror and resented it for being so selective about which bunny was allowed in and out. He stuck his tongue out and pouted for a little while before he got back to work, but little did he know... there was nothing to be jealous about this visit.

* * *

There was indeed a bookshelf right in front of him as Hare crossed the threshold, so it must have been the library. It was a comfy little room with cushy, off-white carpeting and a jar of potpourri on the table. “A treacherous safari? A-hah'are you kidding me?” He twitched his nose with glee. “Oh sureeee, this is terrifying~~”

He opened the door and entered the hallway, where a gentle sunlight was striping the hardwood floors. The doors to what was probably the bedroom were wide open, so he didn't hesitate investigating the room, nodding to himself about her taste in curtains and throw-pillows.

“Hmm... I don't think anyone's home,” he muttered, running his fingers over some cute, jelly magnets shaped like bows and hard candy. She had photos on the fridge of herself with some other woman, and a to-do list from a month before. And... oh dear, a photo of Rabbit... exed out by a thick, menacing sharpie. A highly dramatic gasp passed his lips before he tented his hands over his nose.

Knowing he may be the bearer of bad news, he came back to the entryway of the house and glanced at that mysterious room with the sign in all capital letters: **“CHARLES' NUMBER STUDIO. STAY OUT** _ **OR ELSE**_ **.”** What could even be in there? He hadn't entirely decided he would go in, but Hare at least brought himself close enough to press his ear and listen in. He swore he heard bouncing in there, like a bunch of slinkies in a bar fight or something. Before he knew it, his tentative hand was cradling the doorknob, but he didn't go through with it before an unmistakable shadow at the other end of the hall commanded his attention. It was a tall, slender man in a frock coat, wearing a grotesque, wooden tiki mask. He had a candlestick in his hand and repeatedly smacked it into his palm.

“YOU, SIR, ARE AN INTRUDER IN THIS HOUSEHOLD. I ORDER YOU TO LEAVE ON THE COUNT OF THREE, OR THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES.”

Hare's jaw dropped. It wasn't something he thought through; he just bolted, hoping he might get up the stairs and through the mirror before he was hog-tied. However, it seemed his predator had already laid out the necessary traps, and he scrambled straight onto several yards of plastic wrap _italics. They sent him across the floor like a slip'n'slide; he could hardly avoid their swift, sleek, forward motion! The poor, precious bunny man went tumbling into the kitchen cupboards at the other end of the room and was helplessly tangled in italics, like oily spiderwebs all over! It was awful!_

Before he could even orient himself again, a swarm of clambering parentheses carried him down the hall. It seemed for a moment that they were going to usher him all the way out the front door, but they dropped him squarely on his ass at the entrance mat. The Tiki Man was stationed at the other end of the couch, aiming an enormous bamboo pipe in his direction. He loaded a feathered dart inside and addressed Hare with a voice like thunder. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!” Hare's words were snagged in his throat, and he could only tremble his chin violently at the suffocating blur of creatures surrounding him. “SPEAK, BUNNY.”

“I-I-I was looking f-for Jenna!”

“JENNA'S OUT OF TOWN. SHE WORKS AT DISNEYLAND NOW,” the crazy, wild man answered.

“B-b-but-”

“NO BUTS, IFS, OR ANDS ABOUT IT, SIR. THIS IS THE DWELLING OF I, CHARLES DODGSON, AND MY ASSOCIATES NOW. YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS HERE.”

“I-I'm sorry! P-p-p-please!” Hare begged. It was more than clear that he was not a threat, and these rambunctious punctuation marks were starting to knock things over on nearby tables, so Dodgson calmly set down the tranquilizer and stepped away from his make-shift fortress. He removed the mask and ruffled his flattened hair with a devilishly charming smile, and eyes like a royal blue pin-cushions. Then he took a sesame seed shaker from his coat pocket and sprinkled it over the parentheses. “Good parentheses. Good, good. Daddy loves you. Now scram,” he ordered, sprinkling a trail out onto the back deck. Hare was beside himself when Dodgson returned, swiping the marks off his clothes, as, evidently, the parentheses were quite dirty. Even so, Dodgson wasted no time drilling him.

“You came on behalf of that old, crusty bunny, didn't you?” He asked in his sharpest of tones.

“If you mean the Rabbit, then yes. She hasn't been to Wonderland and he asked me to see if she was okay.”

“Oh, she's just dandy, now. She doesn't like Wonderland anymore. The skies are too sunny, the Queens are too angry, and nobody wears their pants correctly, if they wear them at all...” Hare's eyes narrowed.

“Well... if she doesn't want to come to Wonderland, I'm not here to force her.”

“Good.”

“But... how far is Disneyland?”

“Very far.”

“Does she have a phone number?”

“There are no telephones in Disneyland. It's a phoneless nation where she's gone to escape from your pantsless, sunny nonsense.”

“But why?!”

“You would be much wiser not to ask questions about it.”

“What, I'm just supposed to go back and tell Rabbit she broke up with him?”

“Yes, because that's exactly what happened,” he snapped, the curly locks of hair above his forehead bouncing with every syllable. Hare tilted his head and drilled into Dodgson's eyes. It resulted in a tense staring match... until Hare blinked. “HA! I win.”

“...I don't believe you.”

“What?!”

“I _don't_ believe what you said,” Hare said again, this time propping up his arms and flinging the words at him.

“Every word of what I said is true, and if you don't believe me, I'll dangle you by the ankles inside my Crazy 8's cage! Don't press me, you stubborn dingleberry!” Again, his curly hair flopped around as he shrieked. Hare had had just about enough. He stood right up and puffed up his chest in front of Dodgson, who was a couple inches taller than him, but he made up the distance by getting on his tip-toes. He gave him the poutiest face he could muster. Suddenly, Dodgson's features softened. “There, there, old chap. I like you. You've got balls, which I assume you actually have since you're wearing pants. They look terrible, but we'll work on that. Wanna join my secret club?”

While Hare sputtered nonsense, another individual popped out of nowhere. He was another fiercely dressed gent with a matching vest and slacks, a purple button-down, and a frootloop-patterned tie. His glasses were even tinted. Was it Dodgson's pimp, he wondered? “This is Mr. Proops, the other member of my club.”

“If Dodgson approves, I approve,” Mr. Proops said, jutting out his hand for a very abrupt handshake. It all happened so fast. First they were in the living room, and then two arms fell around Hare's shoulders and they were entering a creaking passage underneath the stairs, to a cave under the house, with primitive looking, rainbow hand prints on the walls.

“This is the Candy Underground. It's where we keep all of the candy. Candy from everywhere. From the cookie jar to the gumball machine; from every woman's chocolate stash to the lollipops at the bank. We take it all. There's only one rule: don't ever tell Rabbit. It's none of his business.”

“You hear that?” Mr. Proops parroted. _“None of his business.”_ Hare struck up his hands.

“Listen, I am _out_ of here. I've already got a sugar-daddy,” he tried, when the demeanor of his company suddenly changed.

“Oh, you can't refuse to be part of the Candy Underground now that you've seen it. If you go back to Wonderland, and you tell anybody about this, I-I'll...” Dodgson had to think about it for a moment. “I'll send the momeraths after you. Who do you think _made_ those motherfuckers?” Hare wriggled away and escaped the way they'd come as Dodgson's voice echoed through the portal. “Hey! Don't think you're getting out of it! I expect a monthly allowance of Twizzlers and peanut-brittle! And none of that grape shit! Classic!”

* * *

Rabbit was polishing the Queen's shoes when Hare burst into the throne room some time later, clothes disheveled and covered in weird, dashed marks. “RABBIT, I THINK JENNA WAS KIDNAPPED,” he declared, and he didn't care who knew it!

Unfortunately, Rabbit _did_.

“Hare~,” he replied through his teeth, “ _what_ are you _talking_ about?~”

The Queen's neck snapped back and forth between the two bunnies, but her focus fell on Rabbit. “How did _he_ get in?!”

Rabbit only managed a lot of “uhh”'s before he fled the room and hooked Hare by the arm. They crossed a hallway, whipped around a corner, and Rabbit pushed him out the stained glass doors leading to the garden. It was a perfectly serene place with gushing cherub fountains and granite stepping stones... until they got there. “What do you mean she's kidnapped?!”

“It's Dodgson! H-h-he took over the house with some guy named Proops and they're hiding candy in the basement!” Rabbit frowned.

“The Candy Underground~?”

“You know about this?!”

“RABBIT? HARE? WHERE ARE YOU?!” The Queen's voice boomed, coming nearer. Rabbit gripped Hare by the sleeves and they went 'round in circles just to clear away from the door, until they were in a very claustrophobic place behind the bushes. Hare was pressed against the wall and muted by Rabbit, who had his hand over his mouth.

“Of course I know about the Candy Underground~,” he whispered. The Queen's heavy footsteps were clearly passing on the other side of the wall, so Rabbit waited just a moment, then slumped his shoulders. “I've been trying to shut it down for months. They have surly looking fellows visiting that chamber at odd hours, and it troubles Jenna considerably, but he has an unnatural obsession... Why, if numbers are his lady, it's very likely that candy is his mistress...”

“Wwaohhdomaenmnha?”

“ _What?”_ Rabbit asked. Hare grabbed Rabbit's wrist and pried his hand off his mouth.

“I said 'what does that make Jenna?'” Hare clarified.

“Ugh” was his only answer. This was truly hard for him. “Nevermind that. _Why_ do you think she's kidnapped?”

“Because! She wasn't there! Dodgson said she went away so she could forget about Wonderland, to a place without telephones called Disneyland, but I--”

“Disneyland?! Oh my Carrots, the Disney College Program!” Rabbit didn't even bother to keep his voice down anymore. Hare looked completely lost. “Oh, Hare! She's _not_ kidnapped! She's working at Disneyland! But there _are_ telephones! We can call her!”

“You didn't know about this?”

“I forgot,” Rabbit answered simply, but his eyes began to glaze. By then, the Queen had heard all the commotion in her garden and the double doors swung open. She was quick to spot them, but she was not expecting to see them smooshed together in the bushes, hands in all the wrong places.

“What is going on around here?!” The Queen erupted. The bunnies trembled so violently that the loose needles in the bushes fell on their heads. Hare may have even gotten a bug on his face. They shuffled out and swiped themselves.

“It's not what it looks like, yer Majesty!” Hare said, but somehow he had ended up smothering Rabbit's arm and recoiling into his shoulder.

“What's this I hear about Jenna?! What do you mean she's kidnapped?!”

“Ighghgh! She's not kidnapped, Yo'a~ Majesteh~!” Rabbit tried, and he went into the whole story, pouring his heart out, as it were. Packages, and pantries, and catapults, and Alices! Broken hearts, and Dodgsons, and jitters, and Disneyland! “So you see, it slipped my mind that she'd be going away, a-a-and I fear I've been a terribly negligent bunneh~...” Rabbit moaned.

By then, he was draped over the love-seat by the fountain, and Hare was on his knees, patting Rabbit's hand and sniffling as if he had tuned in to a poignant episode of _As the Palace Turns_. The Queen did nothing but stare. “It's okay, Rabbit. We'll get Jenna on the line, and this will all be settled,” Hare reassured him.

“Oh, but what will she think about Dodgson making headquarters of the house? Surely, she doesn't know about that! I hate to think of the trouble they'll make around there. Oh, and what of Jenna's reputation~?”

The air in the garden was quickly getting stuffy from passionate outbursts, so much that the Queen scratched her nose and muttered something about finding the Red Pages, which was quite unlike her, but nobody noticed right away.

With the back of his hand to his forehead, Rabbit finally opened his eyes and peered over Hare's shoulder. “Wait a minute, where did the Queen go?” Hare turned around. The doors to the garden were wide open, but not a single sparkle of red was seen.

“Ah-ah-I...”

“Oh, nevermind it! I'm going back to the mirror and seeing if I can't bust my way through!” Rabbit declared, and he sprung up on his blades and made Hare topple on his ass before he could follow him.

As they were crossing a long corridor to the bunny's chamber, the Queen emerged from the door to the study with a book in hand. “RABBIT!” She called, and despite every fiber in his being telling him to press on, he turned to face her, and Hare bumped right into him from behind. “I've got the Red Pages. If this is as bad as it sounds, you've _got_ to call her! I can't have a broken-hearted bunny around the palace!”

“Oh-but-but, your Majestehhh~, I hardly know--” he started, but the Queen opened the book to an ear-marked page and jabbed at it with a perfectly manicured finger.

“I found the number to Disneyland. Call them up and see where she is!” She ordered, just before throwing the book into his arms. He met eyes with her in momentary gratitude, then to Hare, and then they all clambered together into Rabbit's room, where he set the book on his bedside table and whipped out his royal flip-phone. You could hear a pin drop as he dialed the numbers and took his deepest breaths.

“Hello~? Yes, this is Rabbit,” he started. The Queen and Hare met eyes in shared anticipation. “Yes, I'd like to speak to Jenna~!” At first, he was enthusiastic, but his smile gradually dropped further and further down as the conversation continued: “Well, I-I, I'm not sure of her department, exactly~...” “Yes, I understand that this is Guest Services.” “You have over fifteen Jennas on the payroll?” Queenie and Hare were now equally discouraged, but didn't step any closer. “I-I... I can't remember her last name. B-but her middle name is Marie!” “What do you mean there are six other 'Jenna Marie's?”

The Queen was not liking where this was going, so she marched on up and pulled the phone away from Rabbit's ear. “EXCUSE ME, this is the Queen of Wonderland and I demand to speak to Jenna immediately! Stop giving my bunny trouble!” While Rabbit squeezed his hands together and scrunched his shoulders around his neck, and Hare darted his eyes around in the corner of the room, an argument ensued. “OH, HARUMPH,” she shouted into the phone before looking as if she'd hand it back to Rabbit, but she pulled it right under her mouth again: “asshole.”

Rabbit didn't know how to follow up with that once she handed it back to him. It was warm and covered with specks of the Queen's saliva. He held it gingerly to his ear, apologized to the clerk, and hung up before he had a response. Many questions were in Rabbit's eyes when he dared to look at them, and he stifled his lips from trembling.

“You're just going to have to go down there!” The Queen exclaimed. Rabbit sputtered, but Hare grabbed him by the shoulders and ushered him towards the closet.

“Her Majesty's right! You've gotta go!” As Hare opened the closet door and the Queen spied the mirror within, she grimaced.

“You keep your mirror in a closet?” Rabbit went from sputtering to a deep inhale, like he might be able to answer that one. “Oh nevermind that! Get in there and take care of business! I'll just take a day off your next vacation.”

“Oh, are you sure about that?!"

“I'm positive,” she asserted, arms crossed.

“But, but, but I've tried this before, and it didn't work!”

“You weren't sassy enough!” Hare's voice grated from behind him. Rabbit still gulped and hesitated, but in his heart he knew what was right. He tucked his phone back into his vest pocket and went to his mark, but Hare didn't step out of the way.

“Um... what are you doing?” He asked.

“What do you think I'm doing?!"

“No, I mean,” Hare started, before a weak finger pointed towards Rabbit's pocket. “You've had your phone in there all day?” Rabbit just frowned at him as an answer. “Mirror travel is like airplanes, Rabbit. You can't have electronic devices on. Duh.” It was taking a long time for Rabbit to process this, so long that the Queen took some initiative and pulled the phone from his pocket herself before swatting him straight on the cottontail.

“Get on with it, already!” She ordered. Rabbit had to share one more glance with Hare, as if to ask “really???” before he was prepared to go “sass-cop”. He took a deep breath and gathered his words.

“ **I shall** _ **avenge**_ **Jenna~! And** _ **find**_ **her~! And** _ **kick**_ **out those** _ **scallywags**_ **!”**

And just as Alice would have done any day of the week, he marched straight on through.

* * *

Rabbit spent no time dilly-dallying. As soon as he stepped into the library, he opened the door and immediately heard voices downstairs, in the drawing room. The first voice he could make out was not what he was expecting, but he knew right away by the German accent that it was a fellow called Max, an associate of Jennifer's who had long since tangled himself in Dodgson's affairs. Rabbit carefully peered down the staircase and could see him there, long and gangling and quite over-dressed for the occasion. “Okay, I don't have my payment of candy cane, Herr Dodgson. I don't bring candy around. You stop already with this _shit_.”

“ALRIGHT, ON TO OTHER MATTERS OF THE MEETING,” Dodgson declared, and Rabbit gasped to himself. As he came down one step, and then two, he could see the man – this man, his enemy -- slapping his hands together and strolling across the room, addressing not just Max but Mr. Proops as well. “I have _learned_... through the _grape vine_... that _Jenna_.... has been using _supernatural forces..._ to spy on our club members... most indecently! I have not yet chosen to dismiss the possibility that Rabbit is a genie.”

Mr. Proops gasped, while Max just rolled his eyes as he sat with legs crossed at the farthest end of the couch. “But what should we do if he _is_ a genie? That would mean that he had powers far greater than ours,” Mr. Proops mentioned, eyes shifty. Rabbit's eyes simply rolled.

“InDEED, it is a subject upon which I have _extensively_ pondered, but I think I have the solution: we will turn you into _another_ genie,” Dodgson answered. Mr. Proops seat-danced and clapped his hands with glee. “I haven't got the magic worked out yet, but I bought a lamp.”

“Oh my God, are you tripping serious asshole,” Max intervened. “I did not come for this, this meeting. You are both know I quit the club since long time.”

“Yes, we both know you have too much pride to admit our business interests you, Mr. Schreck, but why _else_ would you be here?” Dodgson asked, somewhat embarrassed for him; unable to look him in the eye, really, but twirling his hand in his general direction. Max stood up and swiped the air between them.

“I could have told you if you're not to ask me all about candy canes I don't have!” Dodgson and Mr. Proops could only look at each other and shake their heads. “Jennifer asked me, if I visit here, to check up on Jenna.”

Oh Lord, he had said the J-word. At this point, Rabbit could barely contain himself anymore. He wanted to roll down the stairs and crash into the living room, right on top of that highly suspect _devil in a frock coat_ that he would have never imagined would be his competitor for a lady's heart. However, he heard at least one of them getting closer to him, and sneaked a view of Dodgson huffing and leaving the room like a tension head-ache had come along. Mr. Proops followed him into the hallway and their footsteps took them all the way into the kitchen, it would seem.

However, Rabbit had lost his vantage point. He knew that it was only Max standing in the living room, and when he dared to peek again, Max was checking his phone. The man had never really been a threat before, the way the other two had been.

Was he to spy well into the hour on such trivial conversations?! Was time a factor in Jenna's pursuit? Would she be impressed if she saw him like this? _He thought not!_

It was a gamble, but he came down the stairs and ran a finger across his lips as soon as Max looked up. Max was ostensibly confused but compliant as Rabbit rolled round the banister at the foot of the stairs and kept going down the hallway, wheels as silent as could be. “It's just nobody ever asks about _me,_ ” he heard murmured in the kitchen. Dodgson was rashly pouring himself wine and missing the glass several times as Mr. Proops hovered around him.

“I ask about you _every_ time!” he said, but Dodgson just wiped his sleeve across his glistening forehead and went to stand somewhere else.

“I'll just be honest with you; this relationship is getting a little strange.”

“What?! You know I'm married.”

“Yes, but I also know I'm irresistible.”

Rabbit had had enough! He knew he had to intervene, but to do so empty-handed seemed foolish. When he turned around, there was Max at the other end of the hallway, watching him. Behind him was a bin by the door with a red, polka-dot umbrella. He tried to jerk his head in its direction, but Max just looked over his shoulder and frowned. _“The'umbrella,_ ” Rabbit pushed between his teeth. Max rose his hands in confusion. The two were still arguing about Dodgson's irresistibility in the kitchen, so Rabbit rolled back over and yanked the umbrella from the bin.

“You know if Jenna's here, bunny?” Max asked, but Rabbit shooshed him.

As he inched down the hallway again, he rose the umbrella and held it like a baseball bat. When he turned the corner, Dodgson was standing grandly before the fruit bowl on the island, holding up a kiwi as though it contained life's answers, while Mr. Proops quenched his frustration-related thirst straight from the wine bottle.

“Alright, you two tell me how to find Jenna! And then after that, get out of here! ...A-a-and nobody gets hurt!” Rabbit exploded. (That had not come out the way he wanted it to.) The two men were lost in introspection all up until that moment, but when they saw that polka-dot umbrella and Rabbit's mock-heroic entrance, they burst into the laughter.

“I say I say I say! You two stand up this moment and face me like men!” Rabbit cried, but to no effect. In fact, they had graduated from laughter to painfully uncontrollable seizures of amusement. Max appeared behind him and made him jump.

“Rabbit... _what_ is going on here?”

“Nevermind that, Max! I need you to find a phone book, or any way to contact Jenna~ Look through the desk in the Number Studio! And in the chest in the living room! I'll hold them off!”

Max just looked at him and went away, and Rabbit could only assume he was taking orders as Dodgson and Mr. Proops rose from the floor. “Bunny, you don't want to mess with us!” Mr. Proops said.

“I don't, but I must!” Rabbit answered.

“Very well, then! We shall defend the fortress!” Dodgson declared. All in a moment, Mr. Proops wielded an unreasonably large pasta spoon, and Mr. Dodgson pulled a Lysol sprayer from the cabinet. Rabbit was expecting to feel threatened by now, but he was quick to scoff at their choice of weapons. “Laugh as you may, bunny, I have before you the krrrrRRRyptonite by which many of my enemies have fallen! Why, I've taken down the entire Spider Mafia, you fiend!” Before he could even think, Dodgson was quick and fierce in his pursuit, so fierce that Rabbit jumped out of the doorway and found himself fleeing more often than fighting. All three of them began to circle the kitchen island, as if each of them were fighting each other..

“Why do you think Jenna lives here and offers me all but her explicit word that she's madly in love with me?” Dodgson taunted him, but Rabbit stayed focused on his defense against Mr. Proops, who was waving and jabbing the pasta spoon at him. “...Because I protect her.”

“Oh please!” Rabbit managed before he hopped out of a spray of Lysol and scurried out of the room with surprising agility.

“Look at him running away, Mr. Proops! Go back to your pile of dirt, bunny!”

Frantically, Rabbit scoured the rest of the house with his gaze. “Max, where in the hell did you go?! I need your help!” He shrieked, until he found a note sitting innocently on the top of the couch, balanced like a feather.

_Had other plans. Thanks for nothing._

_-Max  
_

“Oh, bloody hell!” Rabbit tossed the note into the air and turned around. He had always figured Mr. Proops and Mr. Dodgson were more bark than bite, but here they were, nipping away at him, two to one! He was beginning to doubt himself as a bead of sweat dripped down his temple, but as fate would have it, Max's absence was compensated with even greater warriors! Dodgson and Proops were just about to close in on him when two figures came clunking down the stairs with buckets on their heads, waving broomsticks.

* * *

Some time later, the sun had completely set, and a taxi pulled up in front of the house. When Jenna stepped out with a duffel-bag flung over her shoulder, she was stunned at the once stately house that stood before her, now defiled by strange sights, sounds, and even smells. Although a lamp in the upstairs study glimmered through the window, she could hear that the smoke alarm had gone off through the open doorway. Half-clothed men were circling the yard, screeching barbarically at each other. One of them was spraying whipped cream. Another looked like a monkey throwing its poop, but instead of poop, it was uprooted flowers from her flower beds beside the walkway. Another was waving around a pirate flag but also whacking people on the head with it, and by the sounds of it, it was Dodgson.

For a moment, she was caught up in her own head, just trying to make sense of it all.

Once she was back to Earth? She was livid.

All she could think to do was start screaming indiscriminately. Everyone perked up just by the sound of a woman's voice, and she began to recognize them in the dim light as they stood in the grass, stunned, weapons dropped to their feet. “I want everybody lined up right now; I'm going to go make sure the house isn't on fire!” She said as she hurried her way inside.

There were fallen curtains, shattered china, and the parentheses had all gone upstairs and huddled in her bed, under the covers. She was sickened! She'd have to change all of the sheets! She found no fire, but the upstairs shower was running at its fullest and hottest, with thick clouds of steam rising into the air vents. She turned off the water with a string of curse words under her breath.

Once she came outside again, the men who had orchestrated this careless, catastrophic crescendo of chaos were obviously ashamed of themselves. “Who was taking a shower up there?!” Jenna wondered aloud, but nobody seemed to remember.

She looked down the line. Dodgson was covered in soot; it looked as if he'd jumped through the chimney. Mr. Proops had a frazzled dollop of hair atop his head and was rocking back and forth giggling to himself. She desperately wanted to know how Hatter ended up there, who seemed severely dehydrated and was fanning himself before he collapsed. Hare was there, too, equally battered, but for some reason he also didn't have any pants on. The last member of the Fail Brigade was... Rabbit? Suddenly her expression softened. “Rabbit, are you okay?!” He was not expecting Jenna's arms to fall on him, and was still in the process of discreetly wiping away a tear. They looked each other in the eye and clasped each other's hands in a frustrated manner. “What happened?!” She asked, and then she gave him a good sniff. “And why do you smell like Lysol?”

“Jenna, I-I-I-I was worried about you~... I wasn't sure how to get a hold of you, so I sent Hare here and found out the Candy Underground had gotten completely out of control. I-I didn't want to make such a--”

“Lies! Despicable lies! That fuzz-butted vegetable-nibbler is brimming with deceit, my fair lady!” Dodgson shouted from the other end of the yard.

“I'll get to you when I feel like it!” Jenna shouted back. She turned again to Rabbit. “Oh, Rabbit! I believe you! And I suppose those two came to your aid,” she said, but she double-took when she saw Hare cooing and tending to Hatter's wounds. (She had to figure Jennifer knew this kind of shit happened in her absence.) Since Hare didn't have any pants on, his crack was also in Rabbit's plain view. He averted his eyes and grumbled.

“O-ohhgh, I hurt everywhere, Jenna~...”

“I hurt more!” Dodgson tried, yet again.

“Oh, you'll definitely hurt more if you don't be quiet!” Jenna retorted. “Come on, let's get you inside and I'll make you some tea.”

As Jenna was helping Rabbit inside, his comrades stumbled behind them so pitiably that she didn't have the heart to tell them off. “Alright, come inside, you two,” she told Hatter and Hare, but as she glanced around the yard, she saw that Dodgson and Mr. Proops had vanished. “And lock the door,” she added.

* * *

The four of them shared a pot of oolong as Jenna's vitriol slowly dissolved. She had to explain the whole story of her absence, and how Disneyland had turned out, and how nervous she became about sharing these stresses with the Wonderlandians, or anyone for that matter. “Rabbit, I know the three of you meant well, but I never want you to try to solve my problems ever again,” she said. A ragged sound escaped Rabbit's lips as he sprawled across the couch with a bag of ice under his back. “Besides, I never even left. You came here in the middle of the day. Dodgson would say anything to make you think I was gone forever.”

“See, Hare? Didn't even need us,” Hatter murmured with his feet hanging over the edge of the recliner.

“What?! They were going to kick Rabbit's ass!” Hare said, still pantsless.

“But Rabbit's ass should have never been here,” Jenna said. “Who told him to come and confront those two?!” Hare's eyes darted around.

“Uhh, well... um... It was the Queen.” Everybody went quiet.

It had been a long day, so everybody decided it had been sorted well enough, and Jenna sent Hatter and Hare off through the mirror. “I'll send for my pants,” Hare said. Rabbit, however, was so stiff from exertion (and no, I did not mean it in that way) that he couldn't get up from the couch, and he would have to stay put overnight.

Eventually, by way of mysterious giggles and flashing lights, Jenna figured out that Dodgson and Mr. Proops had hidden away in the tree-house in the backyard, and she even received some tongues and middle fingers when they caught her looking out the kitchen window at them. She rolled down the blinds, came to Rabbit, and apologized for her absence, very softly into his ear, but he had already fallen fast asleep.

“ _You_ are a silly, silly bunny,” she told him.

She frowned at the fallen drape rods beneath the windows, and she was confused by the note on the floor from Max, but she strolled upstairs, threw a blanket atop her heavily parenthesized bedsheets, and was easily taken by slumber herself.

The end.


End file.
